The soil keeps us grounded.

Just random blah today.  Nothing overtly life-altering, though some things happened that caught my mind’s eye.

First, I was walking by the cage for the pet rats at the apartment when one stopped what he was doing and just sat and watched me.  Intrigued, I sat and watched back.  Did this for about five minutes, my mind all grins from a rat watching me.  Heh.

 

Secondly, don’t trust gyms as they can be misleading.  After being grossly under-impressed by Cardinal Fitness I opted to sign up for another gym, and they’re open at 5am so I can go in the morning and get my blood pumping so that I’m not dragging my feet at work by lunch.  I sit at a desk all day - dragging my feet is depressing, hah!

I watched Everthing is Illuminated.  Go.  Find it.  Nao.  Beautiful, beautiful movie.

I got a smiley face text from a friend after texting her.  It’s odd how something as simple as a smiley face can brighten your day just enough that it’s noticeable, that you can tell that you feel better.  It’s nice.

 

Laterz,

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

A dream-like state of mind

Familiar faces, etched into memory.  A scream, a shout, and spontaneous bouts of contagious laughter.  A friendly smile, kind-hearted hand, and tears streaming down my face as I am wrapped in the arms of someone whose face I do and do not know.

Idyllic.  Surreal.  All these things I feel, and yet I am still somewhat unmoved, my heart distant, shielding itself behind my ever-thinking mind.  Interpolating and dissecting true happiness until it is all a sham.  I am not lonely, I never was because I am not alone.

Reaching deep into the abyss of blackest water I pull out my old mask, bleached white by an unknown light.  It no longer fits my face and I discard it on the rocky shore only to break against the surface of my mind, the pieces splintering into nothingness.

Am I myself?  Am I something more, or perhaps less?  No, for in doing I am being and I being I am.

Nothing can be explained.

No, rather it can only be explained through the eyes and the heart, not words.  Words are fallible and tend to form improperly as they are issued from our minds to our lips.

…

I’m sorry, from the deepest recesses of my heart, if I hurt you.

B.K.

Sooo, first actual “blog”.

Allo *waves*

This is my first actual blog.  I have a Myspace where I typically post my songs and poetry, but I wanted to make a blog that was independent of that site so voila, here I am.

What to say, what to say…

Well, I live in IL (shock, gasp, now you know where I live!  Oh NOOOOOEZ! heh), I have an office job, and I live in a 2 bedroom apt with a friend.  I live not too shabbily for someone who graduated from college only a couple of years ago.  Found this job only a few months after graduating, so even more of a plus/lucky break/thing.

So, living situation and income situation are pretty good.  That’s established.

My actual life?  Not so much.

Not going to go on some emo-ish rant, whine about my shitty childhood (most have them, so it’s like we all bought different colors of the same thing at this point), or anything like that.

I’m a mess.  I have my problems.  I worry too much, I get paranoid.  My feelings get all twisted by these things and ideas and thoughts that wouldn’t normally be in my head end up creeping up and it gets worse.  Sometimes, I’m able to work on this myself, sometimes I’m not.

My family has a history of mental illness, ranging from schizophrenia to manic depression et cetera and so forth.  I’m 26 years old, and I’m finally going to see a shrink relatively soon.  I’ve tried to deny it, try to tell myself that I don’t need it, but the truth is that if I don’t do this now, it’s only going to get worse and then will come the pretty white jackets and the burly-ish guys dragging me to a nice room lined with pillows.  That’s what scares me the most, ending up like my family.  And I haven’t, in so many ways.  But, this is the penultimate thing.  I need to do this so that I can not just get better but get my life more on-track than it is now.

Why do I open up like this on a blog, of all things?  Who knows?  Maybe because there are people who are in a boat similar to mine.  Maybe because I need to type this.

Until next time, laterz.

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