One coin, one side multiplied

What is the point in having family?  Seriously, give me a reason?  Do we all live in the monochromatic “leave it to beaver”-ish existence where everything is pristine and perfect?

No, we do not.

I Try and make (and keep) connections with people, I really do.  I try so hard that it hurts when it is not reciprocated.  And this is how I am feeling right now.  I am tired of being the one to initiate conversations, of being the one who feels left hanging, ready to be picked up whenever.  I didn’t ask to be treated like this and I sure as hell don’t want it so if you don’t want my friendship then tell me but don’t tell me that this is not true and then barely acknowledge my existence.  I’d rather have no friendship than a shitty one.

Wow, what a difference a week can make.

I realize that I tend to get close to people too fast, that I try to accelerate connections and bonds of friendship and fellowship that as a result impede and sometimes obliterate what feelings there may have been to begin with.  I don’t exactly have a history of having reliable friends, from grade school on.

So.  I’ve decided that I’m just going to take things as they are and as they come.  I will try my best to have faith in my friends and hopefully they will have the same towards me.  This does not relate to just feelings of friendship, though, but also truth and honesty.  I love my friends, sometimes I screw up, and sometimes they screw up.  I don’t want to be perfect - I want to be me.  And I am, slowly but surely, returning to my pre-engagement self.  I just need time and patience.

Onto another topic - I don’t want to go to the therapist.  It’s not cowardice, or worry, but a sense of not feeling comfortable about the whole affair.  I would rather try and see if this positive outlook lasts than go headfirst into things I’m trying to work past.