I lay here in bed at almost 9 in the evening.  My mind is spent, my hand is slightly cramped from filling out paperwork for companies I do not wish to work for because I know that they cannot sustain me as I need to be, financially or otherwise.

Oh, by the way, I was downsized at work and am now unemployed.

It’s ironic when it happened, though – the day I finally got my car back, and I was “let go” an hour before I was going to leave to pick it up.

I’m not saying my job was the best job ever.  It could be really tedious at times, but it had its challenging moments and it drove me to be better at what I was doing there.  And it was my job.  Mine.  Good pay, good people (for the most part).  It was stable, or so I thought.  And I was going to save my checks up and get my own place.

This is where things get troubling for me.  You’d think that I’d be more worried about my employment (and I am.  Very.), but I have a tendency to put my focus on the people important in my life.

My roommate hasn’t been getting the space she needs, and neither have I.  We butt heads on an occasional basis (which is more than it should be happening), and we’re both so distraught that our communication skills are slipping.  I love her to death, she’s my best friend, and we’re driving each other crazy.

There’s also additional collateral damage, as her best friend is a friend of mine, like a sister to me, and I know that what affects my roommate and I affects her as well.  I’m a good-natured guy, usually confident in myself and in my own abilities.  But I’ve turned into this scared, paranoia-ridden shell lately and this shell needs discarding.  I wasn’t paranoid like this at all before everything started falling apart.

I need a good job, a place of my own for repose and reflection.  I don’t know where or when I’ll find it.  Hopefully, VERY soon.  Then, the healing of bonds and friendship can begin.  And I want that more than anything, really.  These two wonderful people in my life mean more to me than my biological family, and I love them both very much, and I know that they love me as well.