I have an interview tomorrow, but I’m already dreading it.  It’s with an insurance company and I’m not so sure it is right for me.  But I need a job, a good job mind you, but a job nonetheless.  I’m grateful for many things: for my friends putting up with me when I’m down (which has been too frequent), a roof over my head, and at least I’ll be getting unemployment unlike when I graduated from college and was living off of what I’d saved up during my last semester.  That…was a nightmare to say the least.

I go out and sign these applications, and these questionaires, but the only real jobs that I feel I’ll have a chance at are online, which does and doesn’t boggle my mind - a leftover from my days with my parents where they told me I had to apply at any job.  With my experience, not “any job” will do anymore.

I hate waiting games.  My nerves get all shot to hell and I feel like my heart is a pendulum.  The odd thing is that (aside from the job-search nerves) I’ve felt like myself more and more since I was laid off than before.  Did that place get to me?  Did I let it, and just not know?

I am trying to be optimistic, but I did shed a few tears today.  Nerves.

I’m not working fast food again.  Never.  I did apply for managerial positions at some restaurants, but I’m not a burger-flipper.

I lay here in bed at almost 9 in the evening.  My mind is spent, my hand is slightly cramped from filling out paperwork for companies I do not wish to work for because I know that they cannot sustain me as I need to be, financially or otherwise.

Oh, by the way, I was downsized at work and am now unemployed.

It’s ironic when it happened, though - the day I finally got my car back, and I was “let go” an hour before I was going to leave to pick it up.

I’m not saying my job was the best job ever.  It could be really tedious at times, but it had its challenging moments and it drove me to be better at what I was doing there.  And it was my job.  Mine.  Good pay, good people (for the most part).  It was stable, or so I thought.  And I was going to save my checks up and get my own place.

This is where things get troubling for me.  You’d think that I’d be more worried about my employment (and I am.  Very.), but I have a tendency to put my focus on the people important in my life.

My roommate hasn’t been getting the space she needs, and neither have I.  We butt heads on an occasional basis (which is more than it should be happening), and we’re both so distraught that our communication skills are slipping.  I love her to death, she’s my best friend, and we’re driving each other crazy.

There’s also additional collateral damage, as her best friend is a friend of mine, like a sister to me, and I know that what affects my roommate and I affects her as well.  I’m a good-natured guy, usually confident in myself and in my own abilities.  But I’ve turned into this scared, paranoia-ridden shell lately and this shell needs discarding.  I wasn’t paranoid like this at all before everything started falling apart.

I need a good job, a place of my own for repose and reflection.  I don’t know where or when I’ll find it.  Hopefully, VERY soon.  Then, the healing of bonds and friendship can begin.  And I want that more than anything, really.  These two wonderful people in my life mean more to me than my biological family, and I love them both very much, and I know that they love me as well.

What is the point in having family?  Seriously, give me a reason?  Do we all live in the monochromatic “leave it to beaver”-ish existence where everything is pristine and perfect?

No, we do not.

I Try and make (and keep) connections with people, I really do.  I try so hard that it hurts when it is not reciprocated.  And this is how I am feeling right now.  I am tired of being the one to initiate conversations, of being the one who feels left hanging, ready to be picked up whenever.  I didn’t ask to be treated like this and I sure as hell don’t want it so if you don’t want my friendship then tell me but don’t tell me that this is not true and then barely acknowledge my existence.  I’d rather have no friendship than a shitty one.

I realize that I tend to get close to people too fast, that I try to accelerate connections and bonds of friendship and fellowship that as a result impede and sometimes obliterate what feelings there may have been to begin with.  I don’t exactly have a history of having reliable friends, from grade school on.

So.  I’ve decided that I’m just going to take things as they are and as they come.  I will try my best to have faith in my friends and hopefully they will have the same towards me.  This does not relate to just feelings of friendship, though, but also truth and honesty.  I love my friends, sometimes I screw up, and sometimes they screw up.  I don’t want to be perfect - I want to be me.  And I am, slowly but surely, returning to my pre-engagement self.  I just need time and patience.

Onto another topic - I don’t want to go to the therapist.  It’s not cowardice, or worry, but a sense of not feeling comfortable about the whole affair.  I would rather try and see if this positive outlook lasts than go headfirst into things I’m trying to work past.

Just random blah today.  Nothing overtly life-altering, though some things happened that caught my mind’s eye.

First, I was walking by the cage for the pet rats at the apartment when one stopped what he was doing and just sat and watched me.  Intrigued, I sat and watched back.  Did this for about five minutes, my mind all grins from a rat watching me.  Heh.

Secondly, don’t trust gyms as they can be misleading.  After being grossly under-impressed by Cardinal Fitness I opted to sign up for another gym, and they’re open at 5am so I can go in the morning and get my blood pumping so that I’m not dragging my feet at work by lunch.  I sit at a desk all day - dragging my feet is depressing, hah!

I watched Everthing is Illuminated.  Go.  Find it.  Nao.  Beautiful, beautiful movie.

I got a smiley face text from a friend after texting her.  It’s odd how something as simple as a smiley face can brighten your day just enough that it’s noticeable, that you can tell that you feel better.  It’s nice.

Laterz,

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Familiar faces, etched into memory.  A scream, a shout, and spontaneous bouts of contagious laughter.  A friendly smile, kind-hearted hand, and tears streaming down my face as I am wrapped in the arms of someone whose face I do and do not know.

Idyllic.  Surreal.  All these things I feel, and yet I am still somewhat unmoved, my heart distant, shielding itself behind my ever-thinking mind.  Interpolating and dissecting true happiness until it is all a sham.  I am not lonely, I never was because I am not alone.

Reaching deep into the abyss of blackest water I pull out my old mask, bleached white by an unknown light.  It no longer fits my face and I discard it on the rocky shore only to break against the surface of my mind, the pieces splintering into nothingness.

Am I myself?  Am I something more, or perhaps less?  No, for in doing I am being and I being I am.

Nothing can be explained.

No, rather it can only be explained through the eyes and the heart, not words.  Words are fallible and tend to form improperly as they are issued from our minds to our lips.

…

I’m sorry, from the deepest recesses of my heart, if I hurt you.

B.K.

Allo *waves*

This is my first actual blog.  I have a Myspace where I typically post my songs and poetry, but I wanted to make a blog that was independent of that site so voila, here I am.

What to say, what to say…

Well, I live in IL (shock, gasp, now you know where I live!  Oh NOOOOOEZ! heh), I have an office job, and I live in a 2 bedroom apt with a friend.  I live not too shabbily for someone who graduated from college only a couple of years ago.  Found this job only a few months after graduating, so even more of a plus/lucky break/thing.

So, living situation and income situation are pretty good.  That’s established.

My actual life?  Not so much.

Not going to go on some emo-ish rant, whine about my shitty childhood (most have them, so it’s like we all bought different colors of the same thing at this point), or anything like that.

I’m a mess.  I have my problems.  I worry too much, I get paranoid.  My feelings get all twisted by these things and ideas and thoughts that wouldn’t normally be in my head end up creeping up and it gets worse.  Sometimes, I’m able to work on this myself, sometimes I’m not.

My family has a history of mental illness, ranging from schizophrenia to manic depression et cetera and so forth.  I’m 26 years old, and I’m finally going to see a shrink relatively soon.  I’ve tried to deny it, try to tell myself that I don’t need it, but the truth is that if I don’t do this now, it’s only going to get worse and then will come the pretty white jackets and the burly-ish guys dragging me to a nice room lined with pillows.  That’s what scares me the most, ending up like my family.  And I haven’t, in so many ways.  But, this is the penultimate thing.  I need to do this so that I can not just get better but get my life more on-track than it is now.

Why do I open up like this on a blog, of all things?  Who knows?  Maybe because there are people who are in a boat similar to mine.  Maybe because I need to type this.

Until next time, laterz.

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